Are You Communicating or Just Conversing?

By Margie Thomas IAF-CPF, CTC


I have been interviewing executives about the problems that face their industry from a national perspective. During one such interview I was asked if I thought there was a difference between conversing and communicating. Interesting. I started wondering how many managers think they are communicating with their staff when in fact they are really just conversing. What about sales professionals with clients, are they conversing or communicating? And which should you be using?

So what’s the difference? Isn’t it the same thing?

Conversing is defined as:
* To engage in a spoken exchange of thoughts, ideas, or feelings; talk.
* To be familiar; associate.

Communicating is defined as:
* To convey information about; make known; impart
* To reveal clearly; manifest

Before I go farther I should state there are times when either is appropriate. The key is to know when. Is the purpose of the discussion just an exchange of thoughts or to convey information? Are you trying to make known a direction or just talk?

Conversing is appropriate for social or casual settings. When you’re just relaxing or sharing thoughts and ideas. I think of calls with family and friends. I do converse with people at work but it is usually when I meet them in the halls or at break. As a presenter and trainer I will converse with participants as they enter the room, it is a more relaxed style of interaction. Neither side is expecting more than a casual exchange.

Communicating however requires more thought and energy. It also requires that all parties involved in the interaction actively participate in the exchange. When you are communicating, information is being exchanged, ideas are being discussed or decisions are being made. It should be a more deliberate process. It requires skills and in many cases patience.

Because communicating requires that ideas are shared in a way that both parties can understand it requires the ability and willingness to listen to ideas that may be different than your own. Listening is more than just hearing. Listening is the ability to fully understand the other person’s point of view. Can you advocate their point of view with the same passion and intensity as they do? You do not need to agree, you do need to understand fully.

I was recently facilitating a meeting with some mid-level managers. One of the agenda items was about a vacant administrative position that at lease 2 of the managers wanted. I asked each manager to present their position. Then I asked each manager to advocate the other’s needs for the position. They looked at me like I was speaking Greek. “But I don’t understand their side.”

Exactly! It is difficult to make group decisions if you don’t understand all sides of the issue (some issues have more than 2 sides). It is difficult to work with your client if you don’t fully understand their needs and how that translates into solutions. It is impossible to involve different levels of an organization if they don’t understand all the information needed to make informed recommendations.

Communicating effectively requires not only learning skills like listening and speaking but also the continually practicing, refreshing and retraining of these skills. Communicating requires adopting an attitude of “I don’t have all the information.” A willingness to seek out and consider new information and ideas.

If your organization is continually having conflicts or not getting new ideas then I would suggest you ask your self, “Are we communicating or just conversing?”